"The Heart Has Reasons Which Reason Knows Nothing Of.”

What has he done to me? He has such a strange effect on me. I lose all my inhibitions when I'm with him. Nothing matters except being with him. It is just him & I.

It is impossible for me to fully put in to words how he makes me feel. Last Friday was out out of this world. It may just have been the best night of my life.

I feel so truely priviledged. More than lucky. Being in his arms again. Feeling his warm lips move in harmony with mine. I get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it. His hands exploring my body. His fingers dancing on my skin, creating tiny electric shocks that pulsated through my body.

It was different from the first time when we were together. It was soooooooooooo much better...more thrilling...more intimate. I lay his arms for hours. I lay my head on his chest & listened to his steady, peaceful heartbeat. It was beautiful. I didn't want to leave his warm embrace. He could have held me in his arms forever & it still wouldn't have been long enough.

He asked me if I loved him. He wanted the truth. I fought so hard to deny it, but he said that if I really loved him then I would tell him. My emotions overflowed & finally I uttered those three little words - "I love you". I have never said those words to a man before & I meant it. I love him with my whole heart. Although it scared me to say it out loud, now the truth is out there. I can't take it back & I wouldn't want to if I could.

Even though he has now said that he doesn't want a relationship with anyone at the moment, it doesn't change a thing. He can't take back the nights we have shared together. He can't take back what he said to me when we were alone. I won't ever forget. Non-one can ever erase my memories.

Everyone around me (My Best Friends, His Brother) don't understand why I am willing to keep on trusting him, why I keep giving him my heart. Only I know how he makes me feel. Yes, it hurts sometimes, but when we are together all the pain disappears. I am willing to wait for him to be ready for a relationship. I will wait for him for eternity. He is worth the wait. The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants!!! I LOVE HIM!!!

"The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog".

I had a rather eventful evening yesterday. First & foremost, I passed all my exams. I now have a degree. I can't believe it. I'm so happy. Happy isn't the right word - "elated" maybe?

Also, went out a lovely walk along the canal last night with Malibu & her two very boisterous Springer Spaniels. We walked about 2 miles & everything was great until the pup decided it was a good idea to jump off the embankment into the canal, but he couldn't get back out. He was paddling in the water asking us with pleading eyes to help him, but no no matter how much we tried we couldn't reach his collar to pull him out. He began to panic, so we coaxed him along to a lower area on the embankment. I am stronger than Malibu, so I said i'd get him. Leaning over the side, I almost lost my balance & toppled into the canal. Now that would have been hilarious. The worst was yet to come. We coaxed the dog a little further along the canal, but the oldest of the dogs (the father) knew the pup was in trouble, so he dived in to help, but then he was trapped too. I had to ease my way down the embankment, my feet actually in the water, reach as far as was possible & coax the dogs to come to me. I managed to catch hold of the oldest dog's collar & yank him out, using all the strength I had in me, then I got hold of the lttle one & pulled him to safety. As the two dogs ran easily up the embankment, unscathed by the whole event, they decided to shake the water off their coats, BUT at the same time, give me a bath. I was left more traumatised than the dogs. All Malibu could do was giggle.

Rather an eventful evening - I get my degree & I'm a hero. All in all, a good night I think.

Just Never Think What's In Your Heart...

Sitting at this moment in time listening to the sultry, smooth tones of Robert Pattinson (a.k.a. Edward Cullen in Twilight). There are actual tears cascading from my eyes. His voice takes my breath away. I always get overly emotional when i'm sitting alone in the early hours of the morning & then I get creative & then I blog.

I've been giving much thought to what I want at this point in my life. (The last post was indicative of that). I'm 21 & the years are passing too quickly. The days flash by. I wish I could stop time, so I could take a breath & try to work what direction my life is going in, where I'm headed & if i'm walking in the right direction. Am I on the right path? What's in my heart?

I know the man that I want to be with in the present. But things with him aren't always easy. Sometimes I struggle to be myself around him & other times it feels like he knows the "real" me more than anyone. When I think of him, my heart & my head battle. My heart screams "He's the one" & that we would be a perfect fit, but my head whispers "He's not good for you. He will hurt you" & that we could never make each other truely happy. However, there is another factor to consider in this war - my body. When i'm around him, it wins the battle. Every nerve-ending in my body tingles. I'm drawn to him like a moth to a flame. I can't control my body. It cries out. It craves his touch. I'm so sexually attracted to him. I honestly don't know what is right for me. Is he right for me?

Is sexual attraction enough? Is it only sexual what I feel for him? I'm going to answer "No" at this point in time. It has to be more than sexual attraction. I'm sexaully attracted to the Charming Australian who frequents my work. He utters one word - "G'Day" - & my knees go weak, I struggle to put words together & my heart races. Even passing him in the car earlier tonight left me all hot & bothered. That is sexual attraction. I barely know anything about him but I want him so badly. Knowing what I feel for him is easy. Completely sexual. Maybe that is what I should be looking for at the moment. FUN!!! When I saw him today I felt giddy. I giggled. It felt good. In fact, it felt amazing. No worries, no consequences - just fun!!!

But maybe I want something more - LOVE??? It's so much harder with the other guy. It's not always fun. It sometimes hurts, but that's what happen when you feel more deeply about someone. It's painful when you can't be with them when you crave it so much. Also, there are more people involved & it could cause problems. Yes, I have the same emotions for him as I do with the Charming Aussie, but there is more. I could quite happily sit & talk to him for hours about absolutely nothing. It feels comfortable, as natural as breathing. I want to get to know him. I want to find out everything about him - the good & the bad. I want to know what makes him smile & what makes him cry. I want to be there for him no matter what. I care about him. What I feel for him has to be more than sexual attraction? Doesn't it? But do I want more than just sex with him, if it means I could end up getting my heart broken?

Maybe I need the fun that the Charming Aussie brings in to my life...

So Confused!!! What do I want?

It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowled

I have been so naive. I lived my teenage years with the belief that I didn't want to have sex until I was married. I very much had faith that the view I held was the right thing for me. I didn't want to look back on my "first-time" & regret it. However, one solitary night at the end of last year, turned my whole world upside down & changed my perspective forever.

I want to clarify one thing first, before I go any further. I still hold my virginity, but I came within seconds of giving it to him & I don't guard it so protectively now. I will give it to him willingly whenever he asks.

Being with him changed everything & my life can never go back to the way it was before that night. I wouldn't want it to. Feeling his touch, the gentle tips of his fingers dancing on my skin, his eager hands exploring my body. Having his strong, protective arms embrace me, his smooth lips moving in harmony with mine, the taste of his deepening kiss. Having the weight of his perfect body pressed carefully down upon me. His hand moving slowly over my waist, tracing along my hip & down my leg, around my knee. His hand curling around my calf, pulling my leg up suddenly, hitching it around his hip. Feeling his warm breath against my neck. Hearing his dulcet, comforting tones whispering softly & reassuringly in my ear, with his warm, comforting flesh against mine. I barely knew him, but looking in his eyes it all felt right. It felt perfect. Like everything had finally fallen into place. I was exactly where I was supposed to be, with the man I wanted to be with.

That night has to be the best night of my life, no other night could ever come close. I have never been so perfectly content. Being with him, I lost all sense of time & place. It felt as if I had lived my life, until that night, lost in a dark abyss & that he was my salvation, my guiding light out of the darkness.

I felt like I was alive for the very first time. That I had taken my first breath. To be so vulnerable, yet still feel completely safe. If this is how it feels to come so close to having sex then I want the whole thing. I want it all. I want him. I don't want to wait anymore. I have lived too long in the shadows...

Promises are like the full moon, if they are not kept at once they diminish day by day.

As you can all see, my promise of writing as often as possible for the last year was broken. It disappeared in a huge puff of smoke. Life gets in the way. Sadly.

So much changed in the last year. I have finished 3rd year at Uni. I honestly don't know where the time has went. Lisa is engaged & pregnant. Steven is amazing. I love him so much for making her happy. (They won't mind me using their names).

Other things have happened that have changed my whole perspective of the world. I will explian in my next post.

I'm not going to make any promises about my blogging in future. I will blog when I feel the need to

Curry Karaoke (Curryoke)

Bad Indian food, cheap tasting expensive wine & karaoke - matches made in heaven. The S@S Gang all went out for 'Curry Karaoke'. It was a simply unforgettable night. We even had Pom-Poms on our table as well as Poppadoms. (Lets not forget the Party Poppers & Blow-Up Guitars).

The night started off very slow with the less than average dinner (there was plenty of left-overs). But dinner quickly disappeared into the abyss & karaoke got into full-swing. Some Mamma-Mia, A Whole New World, You Can Call Me Al...You name the song & i'm pretty sure one of us murdered it. Teehee!!! I had planned on treating everyone to my smooth, dulcet tones, sadly my song never got called. (Much to the delight of my Co-Mentor, who must have sang at least 3 songs). I did drink copious amounts of wine, but was not the drunkest mentor. I blame the alcohol for my attempt at Pole-Dancing. (So glad no-one got it on camera).

After the kind staff (who had put up with our drunken hilarity for several hours) kindly kicked us out (after promising us a free night as we made them a small fortune by drinking the bar dry), we headed to a nearby flat owned by the Hugh Grant look-a-like. We all noisily huddled into his tiny living room (much to the horror of his sister and girlfriend...after all it was after midnight & it was mid-week). The stereo was put on & the drunken banter flowed. Funniest moment was when the Spanish Mentor kept saying "C*nt". My sides were really sore from all the laughing. The Drunken Mentor kept falling over & flashing everyone (& she kept landing on my leg with her pointy elbows). Another mentor thought it would be funny for everyone (around 20 of us) to do some aerobics. He jumped up on to the couch and preceded to teach us some keep-fit. I hope Hugh Grant look-a-like has no downstairs neighbours (because I wouldn't have liked to have to explain what exactly we were all doing that caused all the noise).

The only down-side of the night was that sadly I didn't succeed in my mission (which another mentor & myself had), which was to kiss another mentor, but I was kindly offered a hot-mentors knee to sit on, while Mamma-Mia played and we all sang along. That was nice. Overall, it was a fabulous night & I would highly recommend a night of Curryoke!!!

The Most Wasted of All Days is One Without Laughter

Laughter most certainly is the best medicine. I have spent the last three weeks in hysterics, much to the amusement of my fellow mentors at S@S. All I seem to do is giggle. No matter how bad my day has been I try to laugh as much as possible. As someone once said, "Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward". Not everyday in these last three weeks has went fantastically well. There has been low points, but that is to be expected, considering the fact i'm eating one meal a day and sleeping on average 4-5 hours a night. The job is exhausting, but it is also so rewarding. Laughter is my way to keep my energy level up. Laughing motivates me. It gets me through each day. My co-mentors are beginning to realise that I will laugh at paint drying and that I have several different laughs. I have a cute bubbly laugh, a scary cackling laugh, a loud bellowing laugh, and a santa-esque laugh, to name but a few. I have realised that when I laugh others laugh (at my laugh). We usually all end up in hysterics and I forget what I was even laughing at in the first place. I love to laugh and I like to bring a little light relief to other peoples' days. I don't mind if people laugh with me or at me (due to the fact I have said something completely random, said something too fast or drunkenly that no-one understands, or did something stupid like fall over).

I think the most embarrassing, but absolutely hilarious thing that i've done in the last three weeks was show porn (accidently) to my Young People. It sounds worse than it actually was. Dumb me decided to put on an Enrique Iglesias song (in Spanish) up on Youtube for them to listen to while they were doing their language challenge. Next to the video it said "clips from Spanish day-time tv programme". I put it on, turned my back & started to show off my amazing ability to sing in Spanish. Teehee. I know I don't have the best voice in the world, but when I started to get puzzling looks from everyone in the room, including my co-mentor I began to wonder did I really sound that terrible. Little did I know that the look weren't because my singing. but because of the video in the background. Lets just say, when I turned round, eventually realising the looks were because of the video clip, the Sexy Blonde Woman in the video was in the process of removing her thong. Yes I was mortified!!! I laughed uncontrollably and went a deep shade of purple. What is worse though is that my co-mentor decided to tell every other mentor (about 70 people) what I had done. One of them said "Doesn't surprise me" and an other called me a "Sex-Pest". All you can really do is laugh it off. What can I say really. It's just another day in my hilarious life.